"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
