is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
