i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
