my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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