Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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