Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
