So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
