Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
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