his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
