I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
