just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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