The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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