Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
