I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Randomize
