We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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