Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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