I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
