I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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