For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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