Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
