For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
