At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
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