i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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