I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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