Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
