I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
