Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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