You just made me feel so damn special
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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