Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
