I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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