Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
