i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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