it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The uberlube is also flammable
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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