onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
