don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
