Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
