Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
