When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
This is my gift to your gina
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
