I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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