He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
