his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
