3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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