I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
