my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
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