I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
