i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
