omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
