Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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