1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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