I think I won the penis lottery.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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